Want is not Need

Ten months ago I had finally reached a plateau of comfort and confidence in my academic abilities and was furiously filling out transfer applications to other schools; I needed a break and I was bound and determined to do it by finishing my undergraduate degree elsewhere, hopefully at Mercyhurst College in Erie, PA. Since then, a few things have changed: financially I realized I couldn't afford to move and nearly start over somewhere new yet again, academically I realized that I could graduate with my preferred degree in only two semesters barring any more hideously unplanned set-backs, job-wise I had finally found a position that, while being a drop in grade and pay, allowed me greater freedom in planning my remaining classes and allowed me to still remain in the university system, and emotionally...8 months ago I was introduced to person I can only partially describe as my soul-mate. Needless to say, my life has been turned upside-down and inside-out from what it was a year ago. Overall, I realized that, in a way, my previous plan had merely been a way of running away and in order to be able to look back and not want to kick myself, I needed to just stick with it, finish this degree here, and then go from there. I also thought that there was no way I was going to be accepted at Mercyhurst, what I consider to be one of the top schools and which was my #1 choice.

Wednesday was a normal day, up until about 2:00 pm, then everything I thought I knew got thrown in a mental blender and my thought processes outside of coursework and work became useless. In my mail was an acceptance letter...from Mercyhurst College, for the Fall 2011 semester.

Here, in my hands, was something I had dreamed about and stressed about more than most anything in my life...and I didn't want it. I knew I couldn't go, financially I was bound in Alaska until I had my Bachelor's degree and at that point, transferring to another school would be moot. Some part of me was unable to let go of the belief that this was something I still wanted, and some part of me felt a sense of obligation to this school that, against what I thought were all odds, had accepted me and should go no matter what.

After stressing about it for every non-class, non-work, non-sleep moment for a day-and-a-half, I realized that as much as I may have felt that I needed this when I applied for it, it wasn't really what I needed. I had what I needed, and this was only validation that I was on the right path.

Compared to the confidence others have in my abilities, I hold very little solid confidence in my own academic abilities. People look at my work and accomplishments and seem amazed, I look at the same and only see Average results and room for improvement. I guess this is a good, and a bad thing...this letter told me it wasn't just in the minds of those who knew me, they weren't just being nice to me....I could do this, I was good enough for a really good school, and if I tough it out, graduate and work my butt off for my GRE and LSAT tests, I'm going to be just as good enough for their graduate school(s) as I am as an undergraduate transfer student.

Take that Brain...I'll show you...HAH!

Moving On

It always amazes me how much stress in so many people's lives either comes from or is compounded by those outside of themselves. Oh what a quiet, peaceful world it would be if we could all just hideaway in an opaque bubble that excluded the rest of the world at a whim. In this day and age, the things that we are culturally bound to think that we need, should have or do, or that we require take up so much time and constant effort, I am surprised we aren't all small craters in the surface of ol'Terra here. So many times I end up going home carrying so much stress with me that I cannot manage to unwind to do things that I usually consider to be simple, relaxing, or even fun. There are those days when everything just seems to be going wrong, never huge things really-when I look back on it- but all those little things that are what normally make things run so smoothly.

I often think, during the few calm minutes that sneak in and out of my consciousness so swiftly, that just 5 minutes, here and there, of nothingness, what a different that would make. Push a button, and freeze the world for a moment, take a deep Deep breath, close my eyes, and imagine...nothing. A short time of no thoughts, of no words, sounds (although music never hinders hehe) or movement. Perhaps it is just me, but when I hear of other countries which designate certain times of the day for a nap or a required break....I feel a bit left out. I suppose all the self-help books and people and websites tell us all that we should take the time on our own to make time for re-orienting ourselves, but it is not as easy as just up and doing it. I am the kind of personality that if I take time that I have not been told to take, I feel that things just will not get done, or that I will get in trouble for it.

Everyone procrastinates, I kick myself frequently, sometimes even physically, for it often, but I've gotten better, but does it have to be that with increased productivity and efficiency, there must also occur increased anxiety, nervousness, paranoia, and a feeling of less and less actually getting done? A paradox my world of productivity seems to be.

I will say this though: for all the negatives that seem to come from the stresses of dealing with work, school, co-workers, etc...etc...there is a great and wondrous positive. Were I not so stressed, and under such pressure (which I admit I probably do bring all of it unto myself willingly) I would not get nearly as much as I currently do done with/in my life.

As it turns out, all this frustration, anger, terror, and self-deprecation that comes from it, I seem to gleam a kind of strength. I am never as productive or creative as I am when I have nearly no time in which to be so. Despite the lack of sleep, I feed upon this stress, and even the anger at the world that is born of it--it is my drive to become better, the best, to see what others leave lying in the gutter and the potentials they miss or seem to deliberately ignore, and I use it to push myself to prove to me, and to the rest of the world (mwahahahaha) that I am better than they am. When my world crumbles, I change; I face it and pummel it, give it a few black eyes, and shove it out of my way, tear it to pieces and build a whole new one.

I have been told that when I am in full ‘work’ mode, meaning that I am concentrating to the exclusion of the world as I am apt to do when my brain is in full-on mode, I am quite scary. I suppose I can see it and I know that while it seems like a deficit in my character by others, I consider it my greatest strength. I have the ability to block myself off from the normal world, to become ice cold towards events, people, and external pressures. It is a wonderful ability, to take all that external energy and focus it into my mind and through me into a project.

And every so once and a while, it makes me take a good hard look at myself even if I do not like what I see, and the pressures that I let grow on me as a result of external happenings and I realize, in my selfish, self-serving, and self-improving moments--The things people say shouldn't matter; the things they ask and they think are important, should not affect us or our goals at all. Goals take so much work, so much energy to achieve, and when you are not all that sure even exactly what yours are...then what? The drama people invite into their own lives and then roll over into ours, it is not worth the time or effort. The here, and now, the doing something that makes you feel good, whole, content, yourself; oh, such a better use. Others, they are not worth it if they subtract from that. Your time here is limited, use it, live it, feel breathe, be in it, keep it for yourself. Relish in this life; and, maybe, you will feel ready for the next, what- or where-ever it may be.