Sunday, January 31, 2010

Engagements, Weddings, Babies, and more of the same

No offense to all those I call friends, I love you all dearly and my life is better for having had you in it.

Sometimes it seems, like now, that everyone I know, and even most of those I don't, have a new ring on that special second-from-the-very-left finger, an adult-onset siamese twin, of the opposite sex more often than not, or a new, biologically accepted, even revered, reason for shopping for clothes both bigger than their current size, and much, Much smaller than they can Ever hope to physically fit into again without some severe, life-endangering amputations (Cassandra from Doctor Who comes to mind). I trully feel that I am surrounded by either those currently in the life-altering clutches of one or more of these 'wonderous' miracles of being cursed with genetics that have so dubbed them as Homo sapiens, or those who passed seemingly unaltered (granted I didn't really know them very well or at all pre-clutches) through them in the past. Yes, their lives are changing, altering, becoming more...something, and I, well, mine isn't.

I adore their babies-to-be already and wholly plan on spoiling them as much as possible; I wish them no end of happiness and contentment in the arms of their new life-mates, and I would willingly wear anything any of them may request of me on their happiest of days...BUT...I refuse to join their ranks.

As I hear it, and as I have been known to say it, life is all about the changes. It's the little things, and the big actually, that make it all worth it. Yet, I feel that in my solitary, single-dom, soul-mateless, spouseless, childless, significant other-less-ness, that although I overall feel that my life is progressing "in it's own way", I am being left behind.

I do have to blame myself for not being the bestest correspondent ever, the only way I reliably speak with much of anyone outside of work and school is IM-ing sadly enough, the nerd that I am. However, once high school is over with, and you move on to whatever bigger and better things are, it still takes a while to sink in what you may end up losing.

Peaople get engaged, and suddenly, if you're not a direct family member or one of the bride's maids, you're one of the last to hear from them on, well, anything at all, no matter how long you've known them, people get married and suddenly you never see them again, forget that they already have been living in another state you've never been to, they have so much more to do now as a "Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady", and then, oh my, here come the screaming, wriggling, bundles of joy, and unless you are a babysitter, better kiss even IM conversations good-bye. Bitter, actually no! Just confused.

I don't get it, the appeal of it all, I wanted it all once, but now, I can't understand what the bleep I was thinking, or feeling. In the ways of not having a significant other or children, I think I may be better off, but in the ways that I have yet to get out of this state and do something others would consider 'worth while', not so much. Pffff what am I saying, since when did I start caring what others thought of my life or my decisions?

It actually wasn't the friends planning their weddings, or even the ones I recently found out are expecting, it isn't even the ones with boyfriends or husbands that brought this on, it was a plain, old, normal (Trully Scary Thought There) beginning of a mid-life crisis that came in the form of realizing that I am nearly 30, THIRTY! and I still have none of that. I live alone, one mile down the road from my parents, I am about to quit a job that wasn't really a career anyway much less going to become much more than what it already has over the last five years there, I have no form of graduate degree done yet, and my biggest wish for my life is to travel the universe, and not through a telescope either.

I am not quite to the point of truly doubting myself, nor finding a way to mentally negate every good point of my life thus far, but I can feel that moment looming on the visible mental horizon. Especially as one more birthday comes closer and ever so closer...oh textbooks and due-dates, save me from thinking!

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