Thursday, June 9, 2011

Want is not Need

Ten months ago I had finally reached a plateau of comfort and confidence in my academic abilities and was furiously filling out transfer applications to other schools; I needed a break and I was bound and determined to do it by finishing my undergraduate degree elsewhere, hopefully at Mercyhurst College in Erie, PA. Since then, a few things have changed: financially I realized I couldn't afford to move and nearly start over somewhere new yet again, academically I realized that I could graduate with my preferred degree in only two semesters barring any more hideously unplanned set-backs, job-wise I had finally found a position that, while being a drop in grade and pay, allowed me greater freedom in planning my remaining classes and allowed me to still remain in the university system, and emotionally...8 months ago I was introduced to person I can only partially describe as my soul-mate. Needless to say, my life has been turned upside-down and inside-out from what it was a year ago. Overall, I realized that, in a way, my previous plan had merely been a way of running away and in order to be able to look back and not want to kick myself, I needed to just stick with it, finish this degree here, and then go from there. I also thought that there was no way I was going to be accepted at Mercyhurst, what I consider to be one of the top schools and which was my #1 choice.

Wednesday was a normal day, up until about 2:00 pm, then everything I thought I knew got thrown in a mental blender and my thought processes outside of coursework and work became useless. In my mail was an acceptance letter...from Mercyhurst College, for the Fall 2011 semester.

Here, in my hands, was something I had dreamed about and stressed about more than most anything in my life...and I didn't want it. I knew I couldn't go, financially I was bound in Alaska until I had my Bachelor's degree and at that point, transferring to another school would be moot. Some part of me was unable to let go of the belief that this was something I still wanted, and some part of me felt a sense of obligation to this school that, against what I thought were all odds, had accepted me and should go no matter what.

After stressing about it for every non-class, non-work, non-sleep moment for a day-and-a-half, I realized that as much as I may have felt that I needed this when I applied for it, it wasn't really what I needed. I had what I needed, and this was only validation that I was on the right path.

Compared to the confidence others have in my abilities, I hold very little solid confidence in my own academic abilities. People look at my work and accomplishments and seem amazed, I look at the same and only see Average results and room for improvement. I guess this is a good, and a bad thing...this letter told me it wasn't just in the minds of those who knew me, they weren't just being nice to me....I could do this, I was good enough for a really good school, and if I tough it out, graduate and work my butt off for my GRE and LSAT tests, I'm going to be just as good enough for their graduate school(s) as I am as an undergraduate transfer student.

Take that Brain...I'll show you...HAH!

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