Friday, February 5, 2010

Self Esteem....Who needs it, Right?

I wish I didn't.

I heard wonderful news today! My little sister, four years younger than me, all of 22 years old, got into Graduate School as of today, Vet School. Yay sis......BOOO ME. I got four years on her and I'm still working on my Bachelors Degree #1.

It's not that I am unhappy with my life per sey...I'm not, I'm content enough, although I am more than ready to be moving on to a new state, city, and social crowd for the most part....I just, feel as if, in my life, I haven't done much, not on the grand scale at least. On the day-to-day I can list at least a dozen things a day that I've done that make me feel accomplished, especially when it comes to talking about my students. But if people who don't know me on a day-to-day basis were to look back on the sum of my life, I'm not sure they would have anything spectacular to say about me, or it.

I want to do something amazing, I want to make such a difference that I feel it each and everyday reverberating through my life.  It is a greedy thing to want, to make a difference in order to make myself feel good. There are those people who would say that I have already made a tremendous difference, there are people who say it now, but I don't feel it. Instead, I just feel tired, I feel as if I have given so much of me that there is hardly any me inside and I need something to fill me up again. I need new places, new faces, new sights and sounds, new responsibilities, and the chance to forget my whole life so far and act as if it never happened.

I wonder if this is what a mid-life crisis is like. The almost over-whelming urge to just up and change everything about my life, dump all the old and pick up only all new. Or maybe, this is just the winter getting to me, it's my 24th winter here, I am positively done with them. I have to keep telling myself more to go, only one more....

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