Thursday, September 17, 2009

Moving On

It always amazes me how much stress in so many people's lives either comes from or is compounded by those outside of themselves. Oh what a quiet, peaceful world it would be if we could all just hideaway in an opaque bubble that excluded the rest of the world at a whim. In this day and age, the things that we are culturally bound to think that we need, should have or do, or that we require take up so much time and constant effort, I am surprised we aren't all small craters in the surface of ol'Terra here. So many times I end up going home carrying so much stress with me that I cannot manage to unwind to do things that I usually consider to be simple, relaxing, or even fun. There are those days when everything just seems to be going wrong, never huge things really-when I look back on it- but all those little things that are what normally make things run so smoothly.

I often think, during the few calm minutes that sneak in and out of my consciousness so swiftly, that just 5 minutes, here and there, of nothingness, what a different that would make. Push a button, and freeze the world for a moment, take a deep Deep breath, close my eyes, and imagine...nothing. A short time of no thoughts, of no words, sounds (although music never hinders hehe) or movement. Perhaps it is just me, but when I hear of other countries which designate certain times of the day for a nap or a required break....I feel a bit left out. I suppose all the self-help books and people and websites tell us all that we should take the time on our own to make time for re-orienting ourselves, but it is not as easy as just up and doing it. I am the kind of personality that if I take time that I have not been told to take, I feel that things just will not get done, or that I will get in trouble for it.

Everyone procrastinates, I kick myself frequently, sometimes even physically, for it often, but I've gotten better, but does it have to be that with increased productivity and efficiency, there must also occur increased anxiety, nervousness, paranoia, and a feeling of less and less actually getting done? A paradox my world of productivity seems to be.

I will say this though: for all the negatives that seem to come from the stresses of dealing with work, school, co-workers, etc...etc...there is a great and wondrous positive. Were I not so stressed, and under such pressure (which I admit I probably do bring all of it unto myself willingly) I would not get nearly as much as I currently do done with/in my life.

As it turns out, all this frustration, anger, terror, and self-deprecation that comes from it, I seem to gleam a kind of strength. I am never as productive or creative as I am when I have nearly no time in which to be so. Despite the lack of sleep, I feed upon this stress, and even the anger at the world that is born of it--it is my drive to become better, the best, to see what others leave lying in the gutter and the potentials they miss or seem to deliberately ignore, and I use it to push myself to prove to me, and to the rest of the world (mwahahahaha) that I am better than they am. When my world crumbles, I change; I face it and pummel it, give it a few black eyes, and shove it out of my way, tear it to pieces and build a whole new one.

I have been told that when I am in full ‘work’ mode, meaning that I am concentrating to the exclusion of the world as I am apt to do when my brain is in full-on mode, I am quite scary. I suppose I can see it and I know that while it seems like a deficit in my character by others, I consider it my greatest strength. I have the ability to block myself off from the normal world, to become ice cold towards events, people, and external pressures. It is a wonderful ability, to take all that external energy and focus it into my mind and through me into a project.

And every so once and a while, it makes me take a good hard look at myself even if I do not like what I see, and the pressures that I let grow on me as a result of external happenings and I realize, in my selfish, self-serving, and self-improving moments--The things people say shouldn't matter; the things they ask and they think are important, should not affect us or our goals at all. Goals take so much work, so much energy to achieve, and when you are not all that sure even exactly what yours are...then what? The drama people invite into their own lives and then roll over into ours, it is not worth the time or effort. The here, and now, the doing something that makes you feel good, whole, content, yourself; oh, such a better use. Others, they are not worth it if they subtract from that. Your time here is limited, use it, live it, feel breathe, be in it, keep it for yourself. Relish in this life; and, maybe, you will feel ready for the next, what- or where-ever it may be.

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